Only a few years into my marriage, when I was 23, my husband and I decided to open a restaurant in California. He had been a chef for years and we both had this wonderful vision after working for numerous abusive bosses that we could be the owners that prove you can have success while treating everyone with the respect they deserve — even going as far as paying our waitstaff well above minimum wage.
Of course, with zero experience running a business, we found ourselves jumping into the deep end, completely clueless. Our fine dining restaurant, Aroha, became a beloved staple in the community, even winning local awards. Unfortunately, we under charged significantly and didn’t foresee the many other expenses it took to run a restaurant.
One late night over four years in, I woke up with a panic attack, knowing something was very wrong. My husband turned to me and told me that we needed to empty our entire life savings, including the inheritance money my grandpa and his mom had each left us, to pay our employees and keep the doors opened. I had always envisioned using a little of the money from my grandpa to follow my dream of recording my music, but in that moment, I abandoned that hope.
I looked in my husband’s eyes as he felt his own dreams crashing down around him and I didn’t want to be the one to tell him his dream was over. So through tears, I agreed.
Shortly after, the Woolsey Fire hit. From both directions, it surrounded the restaurant for weeks, forcing us to close, while everything became covered in ash. By the time the fire was out, we had no ability to reopen. We were in incredible debt as we said goodbye to my husband’s dream and a business we had put everything we had, mind, body, and soul, into.
Just a couple weeks later, I suffered a miscarriage. The feelings of these two events became so excruciatingly entangled as I wondered if all of that stress had caused it. For the years that followed, I’d toss and turn, blaming myself for everything we lost. Our dreams, our money, our child — our confidence and hope.
“Waking up with those misty eyes
Dreams – Justine Thomas
I wanna know I’ll be alright
When the clouds part in the sky
I see a million dreams fly by”
Over time, we rebuilt ourselves from nothing, paying off credit card debts for both the restaurant and our personal expenses. We got ourselves to a good place and eventually moved across the world to New Zealand. But in the years since, I have been so scared to ever touch our savings. I grew to believe our savings couldn’t ever be for pursuing our dreams. It was for emergencies and responsibilities only.
Last year, I realized though that in all of my financial responsibility, I was being irresponsible with my own heart. I was using the past as an excuse to keep myself from pursuing my future. I was punishing myself for the stress I had felt and my miscarriage. As a parent, I had come to believe that doing something for myself would be selfish or somehow mean I loved my children, especially my rainbow baby, less. I got the beautiful dream of her, after all. I couldn’t possibly still need something else in my life.
Over breakfast, with my husband, who was in between ventures as he prepared to open his fish shop FIN in Orewa with his best friend, I told him I wanted to finally record my songs and make an album using some of our savings. He smiled at me, overjoyed that I was finally taking the leap to do something I’d wanted to do for years.
This past year, I finally got to live my dream and as it turned out – my dream wasn’t monopolizing my life, it was showcasing it. I sang songs about everything we’ve been through, about my beautiful children, my husband… everything. I even have clips of my kids voices in some of my songs — a time capsule I’ll cherish forever — and my daughter is asking me to sing the songs to her every night at bedtime. My 10 year old son heard my songs and told me he’s proud of me.
“I’m gonna travel the world with my family
Dreams – Justine Thomas
And watch my kids do amazing things
Maybe I’ll even sing on stage someday
Or record my songs for my grandkids to play”
I don’t know if my dream will ever take me anywhere — if people will ever discover my songs, be singing and dancing to them, or blasting them in the car like I also dream of. My music may never make back the savings I spent on it. But it’s not about that. It’s about finally letting go of the guilt and pain I was carrying for years and realizing I deserve happiness and hope too. It’s about doing what I love and teaching my kids that following our dream matters, even if the end result is just having it for ourselves.
“And when life tries to tear you apart,
Always Be – Justine Thomas
Just believe in the strength of your heart,
And when life tries to tear you apart,
Just believe in the strength of your heart,
Because I do,
That’s my promise to you.”
My song “Dreams” was written around this moment in time and singing it again was the reason I finally decided to go back to the studio. You can read the lyrics and more of the story here.
Listen to Dreams Now and Stream
Follow Justine Thomas on Instagram and Threads for more updates about her music and life.
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